Content warning: a detailed look at trauma, both technically and personally
Trauma is a very personal experience. It can be caused by a wide variety of events, and no single experience will affect any two people the same way. Traumatic events challenge the perception of safety and predictability one might have of a given situation. Trauma is not a limited-time offer. It can last a lifetime. Increased risk factors include having experienced previous trauma, the traumatic event being unexpected, and whether the person is dealing with other major stressors at the time of the event.
Everyone experiences trauma very differently. You get your own, targeted, personalised trauma experience, designed to haunt you and unexpectedly tear you apart. Trauma doesn't wait for a good time to show up. And it certainly doesn't send you a letter of warning ahead of time. No, trauma comes out of nowhere, triggered by the most innocuous thing, and wrecks you. It is insidious - the smell of a specific food, hearing a particular song, reading a benign comment from someone you don't even know... an endless list of typical life experiences that you can't avoid can trigger trauma.
How trauma manifests is tied to a person's specific brand. Fear, panic, sadness, devastation, anger, helplessness, dissociation, self-blame, and confusion, among many other potential emotional or physiological responses, can present when triggered. It can trigger a fight-or-flight response, and depending on your situation, one or both may seem like a very attractive solution. These responses often come on strong and are gone quickly, but they can also last for an extended period of time. Long-term effects can include anxiety, flashbacks, PTSD, insomnia, and panic attacks, among other issues. Reality is distorted from within trauma, and the level of distortion is dependent on the depth of the current situation. Negative feelings towards and beliefs about oneself are amplified.
Within the world of trauma exists the concept of "second injury". Perception is reality for those who experience trauma. Someone might leave the house today, roll their car twelve times, end up seriously injured, but come away with no long-term psychological effects. Someone else might leave the house today, get in a minor fender-bender, and come away with trauma to the point of being unable to leave the house without severe anxiety. Say the first person met the second person, and said, "I nearly died, I don't know what your problem is." They have, in a single comment, completely invalidated that person's traumatic experience and emotional response. This can lead to the second person not only dealing with their trauma, but now dealing with feeling like they shouldn't be feeling that way because "someone else had it worse and was fine". This is the "second injury". While it is important to help traumatised people remain grounded in reality, it is equally important to validate their experience.
So, why am I dragging all of this up? I am currently experiencing a trauma response. I can't get into specific details. But I want to talk about what I'm experiencing, both for myself and in the hope that someone else going through something similar can understand they are not alone in this.
I've been struggling with some specific things for the last month and a half, but I didn't put together what was going on until two weeks ago, when an innocuous situation triggered the worst panic attack I've had in many years. It knocked me on my ass physically for two days. As I slowly unwound what the fuck had happened, I realised that the struggle of the last six weeks was related. I was having a trauma response. All the signs were there, and the relative similarities between the current situation and the traumatic time were too clear to ignore. For me, the flight response is most prevalent. I was prepared to walk away from everything related to the situation, and give up on something incredibly important to me. I am currently in one of the safest versions of this situation, and if I can't feel safe here, how can I feel safe anywhere in grander scheme of things? I can't. The obvious solution was to walk away from all of it.
A few friends eventually talked me down, at least temporarily. One who is tied to the situation offered to try to create a space within which I could try to heal from this. I asked for a tangible explanation of what that would look like, and received something I felt was viable. I reluctantly agreed to stick with this and try to face my trauma head-on, to try to work through it.
It has come to light that I have associated the situation that triggered the panic attack with, what a surprise, panic. This is a situation that continues to come up repeatedly, on nearly a daily basis, and every time it does, I am waiting for another severe panic attack to happen. This is unreasonable at best, and harmful at worst. I am spending a lot of my time at a heightened level of readiness and anxiety. I don't want to feel like I did two weeks ago. That panic attack was fucking awful. So, I'm constantly prepared to throw up defenses in an attempt to avoid it happening again.
I'm back to being convinced that I need to separate from the situation. The thing is, I will absolutely not find another version of this situation within which I will be as supported as I am right now. So, if I decide to walk away, I will be primarily on my own to deal with my trauma. It's not tied to the current situation, so walking away isn't going to make the trauma go away. And I am likely to encounter more of what's triggering it in other situations. I have to face it to work through it. Is it better to do that here? Or is it better to move on and face it more or less alone? The answer to this question seems painfully obvious, but from my current perspective, it is, in fact, not.
Right now, I don't see how I can make this work anymore. There is a serious issue here though. I realised in all of this that this situation provides me with some things I need to feel like a whole person. Those things are not unique to this situation, they could be found in other situations as well. However, I stumbled into both instances of situations that provided me with these things. I have never deliberately found a situation like this, and have no idea how to do so. So, if I walk away, I will be at the whims of serendipity to find somewhere else to give me the things I need. It took eight months to find the second one after leaving the first. I don't know how to spend another eight months feeling lost and only part of a whole person. Recognising that a current part of my life was significantly important to my core being was huge. To lose it so quickly after finding it again would be devastating. Part of me wonders whether I should try to create a situation where I am more self-reliant, but I think in a lot of ways, I already am, but, evidently, not with these particular needs. I think, on some level, being reliant on external factors in your life is somewhat unavoidable. But, I guess when you mix it with a trauma response, you have to reconsider whether it's reasonable or worth it anymore.
Reading through this, Rational Me sees the obvious answers to everything. But Emotional Me has Rational Me bound and tossed into some abandoned corner of my mind. And with Emotional Me in control, the answers are quite different. I am genuinely unsure what I'm going to end up doing here.
However you're experiencing your own trauma, you are not alone. It's often difficult to see this from within trauma. Reaching out for help can be a terrifying prospect during an already awful time. It's deeply important that you do, and that you accept the help that's available. Lean into the perspectives of those that care about you and are currently operating with less trauma-addled brains. Not seeing the path forward doesn't mean there isn't one, and someone else might be in a better position to see it than you are right now. And, to be entirely clear, I'm saying this as much for myself as I am for you. We both need this advice, and will be better for taking it.
Trauma can feel like the end of the world, and in that moment, it might be impossible to see that it is not. Know that there is an other-side, and that you can and will reach it. It will take time, and the process will involve a lot of pain and discomfort. Don't give up on yourself, or the people who want to help you. You are strong and you can do this. We can do this.